Now it can be told: Bush and Cheney are not human beings at all, but death lizards from outer space.

I realize that this is a bold assertion, and that it will probably elicit a degree of skepticism. Nonetheless I think this is a time for bold assertions. Our planet, after all, is under attack by extraterrestrial death lizards, and they have taken over the White House. So this is no time for cautious, measured statements and appeals to pure sweet reason.

This I know from hard experience. I have been championing the cautious, measured statements and appeals to pure sweet reason of the likes of David Griffin and Nafeez Ahmed for almost two years. Before I get into the alien death lizards thing, I guess I had better explain who Griffin and Ahmed are, for the benefit of those who have spent the past two years on the Planet of the Death Lizards, or on the even more distant and desolate planet of the American corporate media. David Griffin is one of America's most eminent Christian theologians, and he has recently published two books marshalling the abundant evidence that 9/11 was an inside job: The New Pearl Harbor: Disturbing Questions about the Bush Administration and 9/11 , and The 9/11 Commission Report: Omissions and Distortions. Nafeez Ahmed is the brilliant young British scholar whose pathbreaking The War on Freedom convinced Gore Vidal that 9/11 was an inside job, and became Griffin's most important source for The New Pearl Harbor. Ahmed's new book The War on Truth goes on to show, with its formidable scholarly apparatus, that the whole specter of “Islamic Terrorism” is an illusion woven by Western intelligence agencies and their client-state proxies—the same conclusion reached by the recent BBC documentary The Power of Nightmares .

Griffin and Ahmed show, in clear, measured, scholarly fashion, that the official “19 hijackers” conspiracy theory of 9/11 is untenable, and that the alternative explanation that best fits the facts is that 9/11 was arranged by elements of the US intelligence apparatus, presumably acting at the behest of the US high command—namely George W. Bush and Richard Cheney. The presumable motive: To double the military budget overnight, increase the power of the executive branch, quash domestic dissent, and launch “the war that will not end in our lifetimes.”

After two years of promoting the books of Griffin and Ahmed, I have discovered that there is a limited audience for a rational, factual discussion of 9/11. Even those who accept the fairly obvious conclusion that 9/11 was an inside job often seem to prefer a more excited and imaginative prose style. As for those who do not accept that conclusion—in virtually all cases due to an emotionally-charged refusal to consider the evidence—they are addicted to an even more hysterical prose style driven by the paranoid delusion that a secret army of evil “Muslim extremists” is conspiring to wreak mayhem by randomly blowing things up.

The lesson here is that paranoid hysteria sells, while lucid reality-based analysis does not. Since I have a living to make, and children to feed, I have decided to leave reality-based conspiracy theory behind, and strike out boldly where no theorist has gone before: to the planet of the spacefaring death lizards.

But wait a moment, you ask. Just how do I know that Bush and Cheney are death lizards in disguise?

Because my wife says so, that's why. She has been telling me for years that George W. Bush is obviously an alien. His awkward artificial mannerisms, his peculiar mangling of the English language, his emotional insensitivity that borders on utter cluelessness—these are all signs, my wife says, that this guy does not possess a brain with the normal Chomskyan linguistic deep structure, not to mention the emotional-intelligence deep structure, common to all human beings. Instead, he seems vaguely reptilian—cruel, scaly and manipulative behind those dull, beady little eyes.

For years—I admit it—I did not listen to my wife. Indeed, I scoffed at her whenever she pointed out Bush's nonhuman characteristics. I told her that Bush was just a deeply disturbed, borderline-psychopathic rich kid in the throes of a really bad dry-drunk syndrome made worse by coke withdrawal. “No—he's an alien” was her invariable reply. For years neither one of us could convince the other. Then last year, during Bush's first debate with John Kerry, I watched in horror as the Lizard-in-Chief's left lower lip drooped halfway to the floor, twitching convulsively as the mannikin uttered clumsily alien words beamed through a highly visible remote control unit on its back. After witnessing that bizarre performance I could no longer deny it. Something was terribly the matter with the alleged humanoid in the Oval Office.

Then, while watching Cheney debate Edwards, I noticed that that the “Vice President” displayed some of the same non-human characteristics. Cheney's left lower lip corner, like Bush's, kept drooping downward and twitching spastically as cold, scaly, programmed words were emitted from the Cheney-creature's buccal orifice. Every pore of its body urged icy aggression; if it were capable of anything resembling emotion, it would be sheer contempt. Not the faintest shred of human warmth could be detected in its words, gestures, or bearing.

Suddenly it hit me: These guys were pursuing inhuman policies...because they were inhuman! My wife was right! (Not, she reminded me, for the first time.)

Only inhuman death lizards would spread death and destruction across the planet the way these guys have. Only inhuman death lizards would systematically loot and pillage the meager resources of ordinary Americans for the benefit of the super-rich. Only inhuman death lizards would dare destroy the US Constitution from within. Only inhuman death lizards would slaughter almost 3,000 Americans in a fake terrorist attack designed to trigger religious hatred and mass murder.

After doing some quick research on the intergalactic internet, I discovered that the death lizards have a long and sorry history of wreaking havoc, both on their own planet and on those of other sentient life forms. They are cold, clever, aggressive, and exceedingly manipulative. Though unable to effectively communicate with warm, emotional, empathetic/intuitive mammalian creatures like ourselves, they have learned to manipulate us by mimicking our linguistic-emotional behavior. To this end they have entered into a symbiotic relationship with the venomous slime-toads of Wartron-B, who emit a viscous verbal miasma that paralyzes, hypnotizes, and finally devours the brains of its mammalian victims. (“Karl Rove” is in fact one of these venomous slime-toads.)

So that's what we're up against. It isn't a pretty picture. But the good news is that they can be beaten.

The most beautiful love-and-gnosis-driven planets of the Intergalactic Federation have all survived the onslaught of the death lizards and slime-toads. How? By uniting as one planet under the stewardship of the local sentient species. The arrival of the death-lizards and slime-toads, like the coming of the devilish-looking aliens in Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End , signals that a new era has dawned, and the planet's final exam is at hand. It is time for human beings to unite as one sentient species, the divinely-appointed stewards of planet Earth, and drive these scaly imposters out of the White House and back to the reptile-planet from whence they came.

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